By EMILY JONES
They say parting is such sweet sorrow.
Not so, there’s nothing sweet about it. It’s an anxiety ridden, heart palpitation-producing, soul-wrenching experience that has turned my life upside down.
My recent separation from one of the great loves of my life has left me feeling at loose ends, and I’m having a hard time filling all the hours we once spent together. Alas, the object of my devotion had become an evil influence in my life, leading me to all kinds of unhealthy behaviors. I was letting everything else slide including my civic duties, my hobbies and time spent with my friends and family.
So after weeks of wrestling with this difficult decision, I have pulled the plug on our relationship. I have wiped my tears and recommitted to devoting more time to exercising and spending time with other people.
Who knows, I may even do some traveling and see what’s been going on in the world since I dropped everything for this toxic relationship.
Well dawlin’, this is it. So long, good-bye, adios, auf wiedersehen.
I wish I could say it was nice knowin’ ya, but my doctor tells me you would have killed me eventually.
“Nip it in the bud,” he said. “And live to a ripe old age.”
(And just when I thought I’d already MADE it to a ripe old age.)
I wasn’t going to go public by identifying the object of my adoration, because I’m not proud of my inability to resist such a phony lothario. After all, I picked him up while shopping at a furniture store for Pete’s sakes!
His nickname is “Cat Napper” and he is a handsome, red recliner which has given me many happy hours of unbelievable, albeit, unproductive comfort. Unfortunately, "Cat" has become so comfortable that I have given up my exercise program and spend all my time tucked in his warm embrace, typing on the computer or reading the latest novel du jour.
My last medical check-up confirmed the bad news. Time to get up and engage with life again.
I read the other day that sitting is the new smoking, and that lounging for long periods causes our systems to shut down.
My left leg has already gone to sleep.
If you have been similarly “seduced” by an inanimate object, you might want to consider an immediate break-up. The good thing is he can’t argue with you or talk you into taking him back.
Emily Jones is a retired journalist who edits a website for bouncing baby boomers facing retirement. She welcomes comments at http://www.deludeddiva.com .