Murphyâ€™s lesser known laws
Surely youâ€™ve had moments when Murphyâ€™s Law invades your territory.Â You know the old adage - â€śAny thing that can go wrong, probably will.â€ť
Surprisingly,Â this law was only discovered in 1949Â â€“ about the same time I made my debut on earth.Â Iâ€™m wondering if I was adopted by a man named Murphy, because I have all his genes.
My twist on the universal law is more like â€śif I canÂ botch something up, I go out of my way to do so.â€ť
I have been running my life according to Murphyâ€™s Law for as long as I can remember.Â Here are a few new ones Iâ€™ve discovered in my attempt to master Murphyâ€™s Law.
uÂ The flashlight is a device for storing dead batteries.Â I have three and all are dead as doornails.Â I found that out last night when I attempted to go out back toÂ shut the door of the greenhouse.Â I had to plug a lamp into a long extension cord and carry it out into the darkness.
u The Jell-O will never set up if there is anyone but you in the house, ditto for pecan pies.Â I didnâ€™t discover this until Thanksgiving Day;
u My plumbing is somehow connected to the doorbell.Â It never clogs up until guests arrive;
u The shinbone is a device for locating the corner of the coffee table in the dark.Â I found that out last night when I attempted to wander through my newly rearranged living room in the dark;Â Â
u Â When you reorganize the tool shed or the silver drawer be prepared to jumble it all up again while looking for something in the place where it used to be;
u He who laughs last thinks slowest.Â I guessÂ Iâ€™m a slow thinker, but Iâ€™m a fast walker which accounts for most of my mishaps;
u If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.Â I discovered that my left foot is a full size larger than the right and Iâ€™ve been limping for almost a decade. I wish shoe stores would begin selling â€śseparatesâ€ť so I can walk again;
u Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.Â I still have every piece of my first (and ugliest)Â china pattern, and only about three pieces of my Motherâ€™s beautiful Haviland pattern;Â
Someone sent me instructions on how to cope with Murphyâ€™s law.
Step 1:Â Butter a piece of toast.
Step 2: Think of two or more things that could happen if you dropped it. Are any of these more likely to happen if you are wearing suede shoes orÂ justÂ bought a beautiful oriental rug for your kitchen?Â
Step 3: Drop the toast.
Step 4: Say â€śHmm, I thought that would happen.â€ťÂ See? You are backÂ in complete control.
Emily Jones is a retired journalist who edits a website for bouncing baby boomers facing retirement.Â She welcomes comments at www.deludeddiva.com.
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