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Affirm, not ridicule, differences in others |
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Wednesday, 04 November 2009 |
Over the course of several weeks, we noticed our 4-year-old daughter would look at television with her head cocked to one side. She has long bangs so we thought that might be it so we clipped her hair out of her face. She still favored one eye over the other.
So my wife got her an eye appointment recently. Turns out she's farsighted. It all makes sense now.
We encountered some of trepidation at the idea of her needing glasses – the parental instinct to shield a child from unnecessary pain rose to the surface. By pain, I'm referring to the kind inflicted by others through name-calling and just treating her differently to a negative degree because she has some tiny frames over her eyes.
Initially, even she was a bit embarrassed by the new development, covering her eyes as she walked into her classroom. But immediately, a friend of hers cried out, without prompting: "You look beautiful." And adult leaders in her school helped the children understand practical issues about the glasses and have worked hard to encourage her through the change.
This is a much different environment than I remember when I first donned specs around the age of 8 or 9. Since I've probably suppressed much of what I encountered, I don't remember details, but I don't recall a positive reception.
Why do we gravitate toward the negative in discovering differences in each other?
The answer which readily comes to mind is that it helps us feel better about ourselves at another's expense. Even in subtle ways – such as simple compare and contrast – we weigh things and conclude we are "better off" than somebody else. We're not actually better off in most cases; our circumstances given the subject are simply more bearable.
We weigh decisions and conditions all the time; in so many things having an advantage over another is of no genuine consequence – it just makes us feel better.
It would be great if we could take the lesson from the loving people who have helped our daughter's transition into corrected vision much easier and apply it more broadly across the board.
Should we spare people's feelings all the time? No, but this lesson has taught me we don't have to always greet changes in others with skepticism and ridicule.
Don't get me wrong – I'm not pointing my finger solely away from myself. I've done it more times than I care to admit. But if we can find a way to make a child's experience with a new pair of glasses a less harsh and more affirming event, then we can work to do this with other experiences as well.
Of course, it helps the glasses are indeed cute and so is the way she looks in them! We're not manufacturing encouragement in this case – it's natural. But I wonder how many years of scarring we're erasing by those around her – classmates, family members, etc. – showing we love her through this change.
Scars are what help to make us who we are – to give us character and maybe sometimes to help others. No one should skate through life without trials; We can't and shouldn't prevent all of them.
But let's say I'm in a room where someone has pushed a ceramic vase too close to the edge. It's no longer balanced atop its perch and falls toward the ground.
If we'd seen something like this happen before – or even just understood enough about basic physics and gravity – shouldn't we step in and try to stop its fall?
I think this is the same kind of intervention which happened with the glasses. We'd seen the damage done to others or ourselves – or at least understood basic tendencies in human nature – and decided it didn't need to be this way.
As I think about how to go about this in our everyday lives, I think of a roadblock in my own habits.
I wonder how many other people struggle with this, but I often don't compliment others easily because I don't want the other person to get a wrong idea, or for me to say the wrong thing and wind up apologizing for an intended affirmation.
But I think after having seen a positive approach like the one I've witnessed in my child's life, our better option is to make the effort and hope the outcome is one which does more good than harm.
Paul Sims is the news editor and a columnist for the Starkville Daily News. His e-mail address is
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The opinions expressed in this column are his and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Starkville Daily News or individual members of its staff.
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Last Updated ( Saturday, 07 November 2009 )
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